Below is a corny piece I wrote for my essay exposition class. The assignment was “letter to a friend”. I think my physics teacher may have enjoyed my response a little more than my english teacher did.

 

Dear Gravity,

 

    I think it is about time for me to stage an intervention. Firstly, I think you should know you are very influential force that keeps me grounded on this world. However, you are clearly depressed and bent out of continuum. I realized this last millennium, when you folded onto yourself and formed a black hole. As god, the master of the universe, I hated to see you suck all the energy out of all things around you. So, I decided you need a divine intervention. You need to become a stronger force.

 

    Yes, you might say the “stronger forces” like electricity and magnetism push you around with their higher coefficients and better force to mass ratios. Yet, your own inverse square law dictates that when you pull your friends in tighter you will become stronger. So please, for my sake, don’t let those outside influences run your life.

 

    I know you look at the big bang as your ultimate blunder. “How did I let all that mass escape?”, you thought. But remember, just before entropy got the best of you, you proved that you could concentrate more massively than anyone else. I realized when thinking back to it all, you have been upset since that fateful day that marked the beginning of time. I know letting go is hard for you, but you must in order to be forceful once again.

 

    Look, Einstein was a smart dude, but even he didn’t completely figure you out. For example, he could never, ever, explain why you didn’t act on his hair. To this day, Einstein’s head represents the only documented existence of antigravity. In reality, you have many mysterious characteristics. However, you seem to have given in to the theory of relativity. You need to remember Einstein only wrote about you as a theory, a rough draft, an estimate; So you can be stronger and stranger than he said you would be.

 

    Ultimately, I think it is time for you to begin to take pleasure in your strengths and abilities. Perhaps, you could spend a few millennia in a nebula and condense some idle gases into stars for fun. On weekends you could seek some thrills with sky-divers. Perhaps you would be most relaxed by putting your efforts back into your age art. No one is better at slowly distorting the faces of old people.

 

    I have asked “Electrostatic Force” to apply constant pressure on you. She is also very concerned about the gravity of the situation. If you find she is a little blunt, don’t worry. It’s normal.

 

Sincerely,

#@%$#˝ÓÔ˝Ó°ÒŸ˛Ç˜ıDz

God